Last year a friend of mine told me I was the most insecure confident person she knew. I was not offended. Instead I was impressed by her assessment because she was right on. I had just never noticed it outwardly. However, it’s true. I can be very confident in some things and very insecure with others….some times I am both with the same thing. Maybe everyone is like that or maybe I am more extreme or more noticeable. I really don’t know. What I do know is that dichotomy has been the story of my life and maybe what keeps me balanced.
If I were totally confident in everything I did, my ego may get a little out of control. If I was insecure about everything…well, that’s just unhealthy. (It’s important not to let negative self-talk take over.) So maybe these 2 parts of my personality work with each other to make sure to keep me in check?
What’s funny about this dichotomy is how often I see it in my life. In the 90’s I took the personality test in “Life Colors: What the Colors in Your Aura Reveal” by Pamala Oslie. I came up with 2 mental colors. Yes, 2 and yes, mental. I couldn’t have had a mental and a creative…no, I had to have 2 mental colors. Not sure if this would fit me today but I am sure some of it would. The funniest thing about that quiz was the relationship part with my husband, then boyfriend. It described our relationship (based on our Aura’s) as this…
I tell him what to do. He does it. I don’t respect him.
I tell him what to do. He ignores me. He does what he wants to do. I respect him.
Now, that’s crazy, huh? But it really is the essence of our relationship. Even to this day. After 18 years, in seems to work or have worked itself out. I don’t even notice it anymore. Although he might 🙂
Even in Ayurveda, I have 2 equally strong doshas. Pitta and Vata
I know all this to be a true reflection of who I am. This really is the essence of Kim. I feel this push and pull of the two parts of my personality. When I spend too much time alone or working on mental project, I get unbalanced and have to make time for some creative and social outlets. Vice Versa: when I am socializing a lot, I get tired and drained and have a need for quiet solitude so I can regroup. I think many people are like this but maintaining the balance for me is a must.
I think this is why I love yoga so much. The practice of yoga incorporates a balance between the Asana’s (physical poses) and the spiritual practice. Mental and Physical.
I really do think the purpose of these 2 sides of me is to keep me balanced. When I was younger I sometimes felt confused…maybe I should be one or the other. Am I a creative person who was lead to be an analyst or an analyst who really wants to be creative. Really, I am both and I have to make sure to nuture both.
The lesson here is to honor yourself. Each of us is a unique character and we cannot try to change ourselves because it seems better to be like someone else. Look inside and really find what makes you you and stick with that. Even all the weird parts. Those can be the best parts!
So yes, I am the insecure confident person. I have confidence and humility. I am ok with that. I am also okay that people know that about me and it’s noticeable. It’s what make me ME.